1.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2.  I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

3.  I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

4.  Last year I joined a procrastinators support group.  We haven't met yet.

5.  I don't need anger management.  I just need people to stop irritating me!

6.  When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it feels like a mini vacation.

7.  My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

8.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

9.  The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

10.  I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do the second week.

11.  Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

12.  Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

13.  Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

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